


TrollTwitch Plays Sburb

by buttmaster



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Ableism, Dubcon because of player commands maybe?, Gen, Like two seconds of Dersecest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-16
Updated: 2014-06-16
Packaged: 2018-02-04 23:30:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1797325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buttmaster/pseuds/buttmaster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>HSWC 2014 Bonus Round 3 Fill for the prompt:</p>
<p>John/Rose/Dave/Jade (Quadrants can shuffle and fluctuate as needed)<br/>TwitchplaysSburb. Chaos ensues when a group of twelve (internet) trolls hijack the chat</p>
            </blockquote>





	TrollTwitch Plays Sburb

A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, is this young man's birthday. Though it was thirteen years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name! 

What will the name of this young man be?

> jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj

Your name is jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj. As was previously mentioned it is your BIRTHDAY. A number of CAKES are scattered about your room. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for REALLY TERRIBLE MOVIES. You like to program computers but you are NOT VERY GOOD AT IT. You have a fondness for PARANORMAL LORE, and are an aspiring AMATEUR MAGICIAN. You also like to play GAMES sometimes. 

What will you do?

You bump into the WALL. You bump into the WALL. You are really into bumping into this WALL today. Like, you are just so into bumping into this WALL that you proceed to do it for a good solid HOUR AND A HALF.

Finally, you turn back to face your BEDROOM, and pick up the CAKE left for you on your DRESSER. It was baked by your DAD, surely. He is very PROUD OF YOU, and considers you to be a VERY GOOD SON. It's really touching, these little displays of fatherly affection. You think about how nice it is.

You slam the BIRTHDAY CAKE directly onto your CROTCH while screaming. Why would you even do a thing like that? At least the candles weren't lit. Maybe it would be a good idea to message your best friend and see how he's doing.

\---

What was his name again?

> dddddogass()---

You are now dddddogass()--- and currently working on some SICK BEATS. It is what you do. You make SICK BEATS because you are a COOL DUDE with COOL HOBBIES. Your MASTERPIECE is interrupted though by the Pesterchum window.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 16:13 -- 

EB: hey dddddogass()---! guess what today is.  
TG: im going to go out on a limb here like i am some kind of kitten saving fireman and say it is your birthday  
TG: so did you get my gift  
TG: also what other sick loot did you get  
EB: oh, you know, i got some cool things, like as2i129iiuxjqj1ik1oi02oiw982919oi1ksajsuxik~~~~1akizskj1

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 16:14 -- 

Well, that was weird. You hope jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj is okay. Like, holy hell, did he just have some kind of SEIZURE? If you were psychic, or at least really good at guessing, you would imagine that maybe he began walking all over his KEYBOARD before doing a SICK SCAMPFLIP onto his DESK, utterly WRECKING ALL THE SHIT.

Which is fine, because you apparently follow suit, deciding your SICK BEATS are close enough to being done and that your time would be better spent DROPKICKING your LAPTOP through the WINDOW, where it ruins at least one unfortunate CROW's day.

\---

You insert a BALL OF YARN into your SYLLADEX. You eject a BALL OF YARN from your SYLLADEX. You insert a BALL OF YARN into your SYLLADEX. You eject a BALL OF YARN from your SYLLADEX. You insert a BALL OF YARN into your SYLLADEX. You eject a BALL OF YARN from your SYLLADEX. You insert a BALL OF YARN into your SYLLADEX. You eject a BALL OF YARN from your SYLLADEX. You insert a BALL OF YARN into your SYLLADEX. You eject a BALL OF YARN from your SYLLADEX. You eject SEVEN LIVE CATS from your SYLLADEX.

You set LIVE CAT as your strife specibus.

\---

You have been squealing like a piglet and fertilizing some plants for three hours. ''' has been trying to contact you over Pesterchum for a while now and it would be rude to keep her waiting. Also, something about a METEOR. Your crops are already drowning in fertilizer. Your entire greenhouse smells disgusting.

You pick up your laptop. You close your laptop. You open your laptop. You answer '''.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 20:10 -- 

TT: .  
TT: , are you there? Please don't tell me you fell asleep again.  
TT: Do you realize how inconvenient this is, ?  
TT: You really need to connect to jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj. As soon as possible.  
TT: You have quite possibly doomed us all. I thought I was going to do that.  
GG: oh hey ''' dont worry im here!!! :D  
GG: ill get on that right now  
GG: im sure everything is going to be fine i saw it in the clouds  
TT: Okay, well, we're kind of all waiting for you.  
GG: got it! <3

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] has blocked tentacleTherapist [TT] --

\---

Bathtubs. Bathtubs everywhere. At least you set your specibus to TUBKIND. You like the tub you alchemized, at the very least. It's apparently called the BLOODBATHTUB and is absolutely covered in spikes. The IMPS are enjoying it somewhat less. CAKEDADSPRITE has had very little to say on the matter, but you are pretty sure he's PROUD of you. You wonder what ''' thinks of all this. You thought was going to be your server player, but ''' has been running the show. You imagine she must be pretty stoked about all your sweet tubs. She sure put enough normal ones in your house.

\---

As the BALL OF YARN smacks against your head, you have to wonder, is this her way of FLIRTING with you? Next a knitted pair of UNDERWEAR hit you, and oh yes. This is definitely flirting. When the booze-soaked WIZARD STATUE slams into your stomach... you are a bit less sure. You wink despite the pain and empty the entirety of your sylladex all over the Derse tower floor. You are a true MASTER OF SEDUCTION.

On the floor, your RAYBANPUTERNUNCHUKS begin vibrating wildly, glowing blue as you get another message from jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj.

If you squint, you can see it.

EB: hey. heads up. just talked to one of these troll dudes.  
EB: apparently they are running shit, and also something about streams?  
EB: also ''' is your sister so don't kiss her or anything.  
EB: i know you're from texas or whatever so try and control yourself.

That isn't even a Texas stereotype. You make a mental note to school jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj on stereotypes later. For now, you've got some Luke and Leia shit to take care of in front of you.

And she KISSES you. Wow, what a SILLY BLUNDER. All you need to do is stop.

You return the KISS with added passion and about seven times more tongue than necessary. Well, actually, the multiplier is kind of hard to compute because zero tongue is necessary and zero multiplied by anything is still zero. And ZERO TONGUE is not what you're using. You are breaking MATH ITSELF with how gross you are being.

You really should stop making out and get down to business. Luckily, she stops first. And drops a book on your face.

\---

"BOO HOO HOO HOO! BOO HOO HOO! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS? THIS IS TERRIBLE."

Poor SPRITE. You feel awful. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. You're looking at, well, essentially she's you. If you had a ghost butt and lemons for hands.

Well, GRANDPA always told you what to do when life hands you LEMONS. And that is make LEMONADE.

You kiss her. Why are you kissing her?

\---

CG: FUCKING STOP. OH MY GOD, YOU SHITSTAINED NOOKLINT ASSHOLES, EVERYONE STOP TYPING COMMANDS.  
TC: hOnK :o)  
TC: hOnK :o)  
TC: hOnK :o)  
CT: D --> How do i make the b100 one do a STRONG punch  
TC: hOnK :o)  
TC: hOnK :o)  
TC: hOnK :o)  
GC: WHO 1S HONK1NG? STOP HONK1NG! >:\  
CG: YOU ASSBANDITS! WILL YOU PLEASE HIT THE IMP? HIT THE IMP. HIT THE IMP! WHY ARE YOU HITTING THE BULGESTRAINING LOAD GAPER? DON'T HIT THE LOAD GAPER! WE'VE BEEN STUCK ON THIS IMP FOR THE WHOLE NIGHT. THE WHOLE NIGHT.  
AT: uHH, gAMZEE, cOOL IT WITH THE HONKS,  
TC: hOnK :o)  
TC: hOnK :o)  
TC: hOnK :o)  
TC: hOnK :o)  
CG: SOLLUX, PLEASE!  
TA: what? thii2 wa2 your iidea, shitlick.  
CG: BAN GAMZEE!  
TA: hmm... nah, kk. two much effort.  
CT: D --> I did the STRONG punch  
CT: D --> Did we win  
TC: hOnK :o)  
TC: hOnK :o)  
GC: OH MY GOG, TH1S CH4T 1S TOO H4RD TO 3V3N R34D. 1T'S L1K3 4 R41NBOW 1S SH1TT1NG 1N MY NOS3 4T W4RP SP33D.  
CA: wwhose stupid idea evven wwas this?  
CA: kar?  
CG: NO. BULLSHIT. BLAME TAVROS.  
TC: hOnK :o)  
TC: hOnK :o)  
AT: iT, uHHH, iT WORKED FOR fIDUSPAWN, tHOUGH,,, i THOUGHT,,,  
AG: Oh, you thought? ::::D How was that? Sounds like unexplored territory.  
TC: hOnK :o)  
TC: hOnK :o)  
TC: hOnK :o)  
TA: okay, the honkiing ii2 2tartiing two pii22 me off.  
CT: D --> Where did the musclebeast go  
TA: thii2 ii2 a warniing, GZ.  
CT: D --> The purple one had a musclebeast  
CT: D --> Switch back to the purple one  
TC: hOnK :o)  
CT: D --> I demand it  
GA: Yes I Agree With Switching Back To The Purple One  
GA: Can We Make Her Kiss The Green One  
CT: D --> No more kissing  
AC: :33   
CT: D --> Nepeta, you are being 100d  
AC: :33 


End file.
